You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
