its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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