Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
