i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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