laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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