he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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