Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
