Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
