The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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