apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
