I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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