I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
