Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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