just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
