dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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