I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
