You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
