I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
