K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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