I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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