I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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