i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
