Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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