If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
