hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
