Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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