What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
