despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
