Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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