i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
