It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
