At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just gift wrapped bread.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
