I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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