Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
