Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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