Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
