Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
