Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
