respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
