I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
