So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
