just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
