Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
