i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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