i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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