I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
