The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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