OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize