Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
