theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
