just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
