You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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