So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
