She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
