soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
