brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
