I cockslap morals
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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